so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
