she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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