life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
