im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
