I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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