Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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