She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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