you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
