Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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