So drunk its hurt
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
