I want to walk on stilts...naked
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
