i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
