mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
