Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
