Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
