omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
