Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just gift wrapped bread.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
