This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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