don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
