It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
