in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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