So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
