she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
