There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
