Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
