Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
