He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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