I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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