Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
