the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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