There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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