Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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