I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
