Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
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