there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
