Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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