a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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