I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
