i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
