I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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