I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
