i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
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