If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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