Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
