I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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