YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
