Your mouth is God's brothel.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
