Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
