I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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