I cut my penus on the lid.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
